Faith whispers, doubt screams EL

Wednesday’s Word

Thanks for joining us for When Faith Meets Suffering, Part 11. Our author has actually been asked several times by some of her prayer team members if she was writing this journey down, to which she replied that she was via this blog, When Faith Meets Suffering. So, again, we want to emphasize that we realize Social Media is all about the “happy” side of life, and this may seem like a real bummer, but the author wants to share from the side of pain, because pain is a part of real life. On the other side, she knows in her bones that God will bring a victory from this season of suffering and will be just as transparent about the victory as she has been about the season of suffering.
As she pressed into God this particular morning, she was nervous about seeing him and hopeful all at the same time. It was mind boggling to her that despite all of the ugly thoughts and truths flickering in the background threatening to become an all-consuming fire that she would want to see him at all. But she did.
Was it her love for and faith in God or had she gone backwards in her own emotional healing of years past? She certainly wasn’t that desperate for a man. Why should she stay if all the pieces that were forming a picture were in fact in their right place? Who does that?
 
The questions and doubts lingered in her soul and the light of His whisper quickly pushed them all away: “Healing is not going to look like what you think it should.”
 
“Oh, Abba, help me to use this season wisely, to be able to look back and see me clinging to you, growing in all of your ways.”
The doorbell rang. “I’ll get it, Mom.”
“Okay,” Betty answered.
The hug he gave her was like that from an awkward friend. In fact the entire visit was awkward, strained. He even took a little nap after they looked at houses on his Zillo app. She tried to stay focused on the kind gesture of him coming to see her and watched his as he rested. He looked taunted, like he was wrestling with something, definitely not at peace. His eyes, when he opened them, were like pools of dark and murky water, revealing what was in his heart. He had been like this for several months and refusing to go to church had just deepened his stance in his unrest and taunting.
 
She was unaware of just how intense his internal struggle was and he had no idea how utterly and completely he had been deceived. She sensed his confusion and its cause but had no idea of his yearning to feel something for her, this woman he had married almost 15 years prior, while feeling way too much for his secret lover.
 
When she asked him what he was going to do that night, he was evasive, non-committal. His answer sent her back to her crying soul and she nearly screamed “He is not someone I would have chosen at this stage of my life, Father, but I didn’t choose him, You did, so I need to trust you in and through all of this.” Saying good-bye was awkward, hard. “We’ll do something fun tomorrow,” he offered. It felt like an awkward consolation prize; little did she know it was a guilt offering for this thoughts were already on his evening ahead.