Fear interferes with Integrity

Wednesday Word

The question hung in the air like a floating balloon, though not so pleasant to look at.
“Mom, did you test positive?”

Thanks for joining us for Wednesday’s Word with Kim-Evinda and Trench Classes
United. Have you ever hesitated between honesty and nondisclosure? Today’s blog
shares about one of those times where fear interfered with true integrity.

“I sent you a text last night.” As soon as she said it, she knew she had made a mistake
because the text was anything but clear.
“Mom, all your text said was ‘oh, crap!’”
She started to defend herself, backed into an emotional corner by her own fears: What if
they don’t let me take my granddaughter on vacation, again? What if my son gets sick
with it again and winds up in the hospital again? What if he loses his job? What if her
eldest grandson uses this as ammunition for his opinions of her? The fears were like
firecrackers going off in her mind and all she wanted to do was run and hide, wait it out.
Within a couple of days of returning, she was feeling sick, but tested negative…the first
time. But as her cough persisted and her fever rose, her son had insisted she take
another test. It had been almost a week since returning from vacation and saying good-
bye to Ty-Ty and Bryden. She had checked on them both almost daily, asking about
symptoms, praying they were asymptomatic. When she dared to retest, it had been
positive, and the mind games began.
Her daughter-in-love’s frustration in the background brought her back to the present and
her son confirmed that she was pretty ticked off after the car door slammed.
“You should have just owned it, Mom, instead of defending yourself.”
“You’re right.” She went on to explain just a couple of her fears. Her son listened and
said he understood those fears. In the middle of their conversation, as if her own
diagnosis of Covid wasn’t enough, she heard her daughter in love return to the car and
say something to her son and slam the car door again.
“Tyler just popped positive!”
Her fears were heading towards reality at a speed she couldn’t keep up emotionally or
physically and she began to cry.
“Mom, it’s going to be okay. We’re going to pray right now.”
As he prayed, she couldn’t help but see that one twinkling star of his strength under
stress shine in what felt like her dark, desolate sky.
Before hanging up, he assured her again it would be okay; that he was concerned about
her and keeping her oxygen up where it belongs.
The next day, sitting in her quiet time, she realized her fears had overridden her integrity
and when she tried to rationalize with them, she had only made things worse. She also
had a habit of once recognizing her part in a problem of wanting to get right to the
solution…for the other party to get right to the solution. But everyone handled their own
fears differently and she was going to have to let go, let God and trust that He would
intervene on behalf of their relationship and grant understanding and grace on both
sides. In the meantime, all she could do was allow her daughter-in-love that space.
The tattoo on my arm Romans 8:28 reminds me that ALL things work together for good
for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. God can right what we
do wrong…

​Waiting,
Kim-Evinda